Grandma Scrotum's Sex Advice

Dear Grandma
I have a ferret who was always been very affectionate, but lately he has been making the sort of overtures that suggest he wants to get into my trousers. I love my ferret, but not in that way. How can I let him down gently? - Pet Liker

Ferrets have always been randy little buggers. I recall Sir David Attenborough had no end of trouble with them when filming those Life on Earth documentaries. His solution was to pour boiling water down the pants, but this may be unsuitable. I suggest you state your case kindly but firmly. Then send him down to the local house of ill repute, to get at all out of his system. Lord knows that's what I did when Twinkles, my middle son, got all obsessed with green jello. And if that doesn't work, bury him in the garden and buy yourself a goldfish.

Dear Grandma
My new boyfriend says he hates wearing condoms, and is pressuring me to stop insisting on them. The problem is, we haven't been together very long, and I'm nervous about asking him to take an AIDS test. - Randy Roberta

Your boyfriend is suffering from Frangerphobia, a serious disease that can lead to disfigurement or even death in some cases. Goodness knows it caused all sorts of trouble in the war, danged near destroyed the air force as I recall. The best treatment is aversion therapy. Tell him he can substitute the condom for a new special contraceptive liquid. When he agrees, bring out the special mixture of robbing alcohol and Tabasco sauce that you prepared earlier. While he's writhing on the floor, casually mention that you prefer condoms. Later, use the liquid to convince him to have an AIDS test. Otherwise, bury him in the garden and buy yourself a goldfish.

Dear Grandma
I haven't been going out with my boyfriend for very long, and the other day I discovered his porn collection, which is pretty large. I know I'm not supposed to feel threatened by it, but how can I compete with all those perfect fantasy women? - Worried

Lovey, don't be anxious. You must remember that, if nothing else, you don't have staples, and that's always a good thing. I remember when Fenwick brought home the first ever issue of Playboy, with that floozy Marilyn Monroe in it. At first I was worried that his standards would change, and I wouldn't be good enough. Then I realised that there was no way Miss Monroe could perform my special oral sex move with a triple twist and half pike, so I relaxed. Of course, if your self esteem remains wounded, you could always go out and get several hundred passport photos. Next time he's out, stick your face onto every nude woman in the collection. He'll either run off screaming or shag you senseless. Either way, your problem is solved.

Dear Grandma
My husband has always had trouble finding my vagina. At first I thought he was just of Greek extraction, but then he moved onto my belly button and, my mouth, and then I discovered there WAS such a thing as nasal sex. Now I'm becoming worried, as he seems to be searching for my vagina in the oddest places; the vacuum cleaner, the sponge pudding, the bath tap. I don't think he's recovered from the light socket. What do you suppose I'm doing wrong? - 33 -- 66 -- 44

Here's the bad news: you are a man. And it sounds like your husband is in need of a woman. Just keep him calm and away from the doughnuts. Send him off to a house of ill repute to get it out of his system, although tell him to steer clear of any ferrets he may find there.

Grandma's advice appears at For The Girls
and also on her own site at Grandma Scrotum's Sex Tips



Sex IS Funny

Grandma Scrotum at For The Girls

For The Girls knows that sex doesn't always have to be serious!

Aside from Grandma Scrotum's witty sex advice, For The Girls features hilarious columns about men, relationships, and the weird and wacky world of sex.

Of course, this great content is just a small sample of the fascinating reading featured in the For The Girls Ezine.

And then there's all the naked men, hardcore couples, hot movies, male strippers, audio erotica and sex stories...

Truly, this is a quality erotica site for women, by women.

Click here to see sample movies