Tarzan and the Great Loincloth Adventure
I saw Disney's Tarzan the other day, and found
myself musing that he was pretty hot, as far as cartoon characters go.
Small waist, nice sixpack, big biceps, flowing hair, loincloth…
Now, before you declare me to be a complete perv for becoming moist about
a Disney cartoon, it's important to point out that it's Tarzan we're talking
about here. And Tarzan, whether he's rendered in ink, appearing in black
and white on Sunday afternoon TV, or splashed in living colour across
the big screen, is hot.
He's always tall, always handsome, always beautifully sculpted, and always
wearing little more than a scrap of leather about his nether regions.
I mean, what more can you want?
In fact, I don't doubt that he ranks very high on the list of leading
men that often pop up in the average female sexual fantasy. A girl likes
nothing better than to lie back and imagine herself in the arms of a good
looking, scantily clad, wild man and showing him all the wonders of the
dark continent that is woman. There's something magic about the idea of
an uninhibited, animalistic male virgin who is enchanted by the first
woman he sees (and naturally that first woman is always you), who is outrageously
macho and yet strangely innocent and vulnerable at the same time.
And did I mention the loincloth?
For nearly forty years the muscular image of Tarzan was as close as women
could ever get to seeing a naked male body on screen. In a world where
women weren't supposed to be visually stimulated, Tarzan offered us a
rare opportunity to feast our eyes. With the exception of Hercules-type
sword and sandal epics, there were few other examples in the movies or
on TV where so much male flesh was on display. Tarzan's traditional loincloth
offered many opportunities for a good old fashioned perve.
The most famous Tarzan was Johnny Weissmuller, who was also an Olympic
swimmer. He starred in no less than 12 Tarzan features in the thirties
and forties, and was the voice behind the famous "Tarzan yell"
(although some dispute this claim and say the cry was a mishmash of other
sounds). Weissmuller's loincloth was fairly brief, with a string either
side, so a fair bit of thigh can be seen - relatively shocking for the
time.
Apparently co-star Maureen O'Sullivan had awful trouble keeping Weissmuller's
wandering hands at bay, and felt somewhat intimidated by the fact that
there was only a small scrap of leather between them. According to Esther
Williams, one day he had Maureen cornered, so "she just pointed
at his little loincloth and laughed at him. He was so red-faced embarrassed,
he never bothered her again."
Weismuller's replacements were all well built and good looking, but unfortunately
the loincloth got bigger as the years went on. Lex Barker's looked a bit
like a miniskirt. Gordon Scott offered a cleaner-cut version of Tarzan
to a sixties audience, but unfortunately his loincloth resembled a pair
of high-cut jogging shorts at times. Ron Ely and Jock Mahoney offered
older, leaner versions of the Tarzan myth, but the loincloth stayed the
same.
Miles O'Keefe probably wins the award for the skimpiest loincloth in the
generally awful Tarzan the Apeman in 1981, wearing what looks like
a pair of Speedos with an extra bit of fabric at the front. A rangy Christopher
Lambert wasn't far behind in the well-made Greystoke, The Legend of
Tarzan in 1983, wearing a stringy, triangular number and very trendy
headband.
Disney's Tarzan isn't exactly modestly attired either. There's not much
to his loincloth at all, as it turns out, which is a little surprising
given Disney's squeamishness when it comes to anything remotely sexual.
They even defended the loincloth when Orthodox
Jews complained about Tarzan's near-naked body appearing on posters
in Israel.
Of course, the big difference here is that there can be no loincloth slips
in an animated feature, something that did occasionally occur on celluloid.
On one documented occasion, Mike Henry fell
out of his loincloth while wrestling a villain in Tarzan and the
Valley of Gold. He also popped out when swinging through the trees
in Tarzan and the Great River.
Perhaps that's part of the thrill of Tarzan - what with all that leaping
from vine to vine and wrestling crocodiles, it always seems as though
an involuntary flash of the tackle is just seconds away. I think I'd be
hard pressed to sit through a Tarzan movie and not hope for a brief glimpse
under the leather.
The latest franchise, a TV series starring Australian model Travis Flimmel,
seems to have forgotten the "loincloth factor". It placed Tarzan
in a modern-day New York City and made him wear clothes. Perhaps unsurprisingly,
the series was axed after nine weeks. Who wants to look at Tarzan in jeans
and a smart jacket?
There's a small group of guys out there who get their kicks from gadding
about in a loincloth. They've even got their own Yahoo group, and various
pages giving advice on how to make and wear these much-prized pieces of
leather. In fact, loincloth-lover Karsten has begun a loincloth
photo contest, complete with online voting and certifiably authentic
loincloths as prizes. I'm looking forward to seeing the entries, wondering
if I'll find a real-life Tarzan amongst the competitors.
Unfortunately, photos of guys falling out of their loincloths will be
disallowed.
Ready to perve? Here's some Tarzan galleries.
Johnny
Weissmuller
Gordon
Scott
Miles
O'Keefe
Christopher
Lambert
Disney's
Tarzan