You'd be surprised how many songs there are about female masturbation.
And interestingly, it seems the best known songs on the subject are ones that deal with fiddling the bean. Sure, the guys have had a few well known hits like Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol, My Ding-a-Ling by Chuck Berry and Pictures of Lily by The Who, but if you were to ask someone to name a song about masturbation, it would probably be one from the following list:
She-Bop by Cyndi Lauper
I see 'em every night in tight blue jeans, in the pages of a blue boy magazine. I've been thinking of a new sensation, I'm picking up… good vibrations…
This is possibly the best known female masturbation song, and the one that performed the best in the charts, possibly because Cyndi's accent masked the mischievous words. I can remember it being one of my favourite songs in 1985, despite the fact that I was 12 and had absolutely no idea what the lyrics were about. And I had the lyrics sheet. It's also the only song that mentions the place of masturbation in religion - "I hope He will understand." When I did finally discover what the song was about, I remember a feeling of revelation, and thinking it was exceptionally cool that a song like that could even have been recorded. So I name it my all time Number 1 female masturbation song.
I Touch Myself by The Divinyls
I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself…
This song is the culmination of Chrissie Amphlett's suspender-wearing naughty schoolgirl act, and still induces a shiver of naughty frisson every time I hear it. It was released when I was in my first year of university, so it became quite the anthem among the horny-as-hell fresher girlies on my floor at college. No doubt about it, this song is a dead set way to seduce a guy after you've consumed several bucketfuls of rocket fuel. I guess that means I've strayed from the masturbation topic a little, but this Onanistic anthem is also provides a great beat with which to hump someone's leg. Mike Myers obviously thought so, as he included it in the first Austin Power's movie.
Icicle by Tori Amos
And when my hand touches myself, I can finally rest my head, And when they say take of his body, I think I'll take from mine instead…
Tori's masturbation song is about getting yourself off in church. Like you do. She sings of laying down and while people sing prayers but I find myself thinking of horrible hard church pews and how church music is just not very sexy. Still, horses for courses.
Touch of My Hand by Britney Spears
'Cause I just discovered, Imagination's taking over, Another day without a lover, The more I come to understand, The touch of my hand…
Britney shows she's a woman who's not afraid to indulge in a spot of self-lovin'. She co-wrote this song, which happily promotes masturbation as a form of self discovery and declares "It's not a sin." To paraphrase Zaphod Beeblebrox, this song means Britney gets a ten out of ten for style, even if she normally scores minus several million just for being Britney.
Toyz by Missy Eliot
You don't get the job done when I need a little loving, So I gotta do it myself if I wanna feel something… The way it make you feel, Every girl has a toy now, baby!
Kickass Missy lays it on the line… who needs a man who doesn't know how to please you when there's a sex toy handy? "How could I miss you baby, I didn't even know you was gone, It's obvious you aren't needed in the bedroom anymore." She doesn't beat around the bush, does she? No wait, sounds like she does…
Vibe On by Danni Minogue
Love it when you do my vibe on, Good vibrations, that's what gets my ride on, gotta have vibrations…
For me Danni Minogue is kind of like Britney on the likeability front. Kylie's sister lost all credibility when she had plastic surgery that made her look like a shop dummy, but at least she's putting a good word in for Mr Buzzy.
Fingers by Pink
I’m alone now, Staring at the ceiling... When it’s late at night and you’re fast asleep, I let my fingers do the walking... 'cause I need more than you are gonna give.
The glory that is Pink is enhanced by this 2007 ode to "finishing the job" after her lover has left her unsatisfied by sex.
I Don't Need A Man by Pussycat Dolls
I don’t need a ring around my finger, To make me feel complete, So let me break it down, I can get off when you ain’t around
They may only be a choreography "band" but they know what they're about with this song.
Darling Nikki by Prince
I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex friend, I met her in a hotel lobby, masturbating with a magazine…
I remember hearing this as a teenager and being shocked. I mean, there's just no mistaking that word "masturbating" is there? I could happily think that She Bop was about dancing or something, but there's just no getting around that M word. The other thing about Darling Nikki is that it leaves you with such a strong mental image. You can just see Nikki in the foyer of your local Holiday Inn going hell for leather with the latest copy of Penthouse. Of course, that's just the intro and the song is more about Prince's wild night with said Nikki than her going solo. Still, it's worthy of inclusion just for daring to mention the idea of public female masturbation.
Vibrator by Motorhead
Stick with me and I'll keep you free, From any nasty disease, 'Cos I'm a Vibrator, Pleased to make a start, Vibrator, with a powerpack for a heart...
Who'd have thought that Lemmy and the boys from heavy metal band Motorhead would be so sexually progressive? And even if he's trying to say he's good in bed ("I knew I was the boy for you, When you came for the second time...") it's still a great pick up line.
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