Grandma Scrotum's Sex Advice
Dear Grandma
I have a ferret who was always been very affectionate, but lately he has
been making the sort of overtures that suggest he wants to get into my
trousers. I love my ferret, but not in that way. How can I let him down
gently? - Pet Liker
Ferrets have always been randy little buggers. I recall Sir David Attenborough
had no end of trouble with them when filming those Life on Earth documentaries.
His solution was to pour boiling water down the pants, but this may be
unsuitable. I suggest you state your case kindly but firmly. Then send
him down to the local house of ill repute, to get at all out of his system.
Lord knows that's what I did when Twinkles, my middle son, got all obsessed
with green jello. And if that doesn't work, bury him in the garden and
buy yourself a goldfish.
Dear Grandma
My new boyfriend says he hates wearing condoms, and is pressuring me to
stop insisting on them. The problem is, we haven't been together very
long, and I'm nervous about asking him to take an AIDS test. - Randy Roberta
Your boyfriend is suffering from Frangerphobia, a serious disease that
can lead to disfigurement or even death in some cases. Goodness knows
it caused all sorts of trouble in the war, danged near destroyed the air
force as I recall. The best treatment is aversion therapy. Tell him he
can substitute the condom for a new special contraceptive liquid. When
he agrees, bring out the special mixture of robbing alcohol and Tabasco
sauce that you prepared earlier. While he's writhing on the floor, casually
mention that you prefer condoms. Later, use the liquid to convince him
to have an AIDS test. Otherwise, bury him in the garden and buy yourself
a goldfish.
Dear Grandma
I haven't been going out with my boyfriend for very long, and the other
day I discovered his porn collection, which is pretty large. I know I'm
not supposed to feel threatened by it, but how can I compete with all
those perfect fantasy women? - Worried
Lovey, don't be anxious. You must remember that, if nothing else, you
don't have staples, and that's always a good thing. I remember when Fenwick
brought home the first ever issue of Playboy, with that floozy Marilyn
Monroe in it. At first I was worried that his standards would change,
and I wouldn't be good enough. Then I realised that there was no way Miss
Monroe could perform my special oral sex move with a triple twist and
half pike, so I relaxed. Of course, if your self esteem remains wounded,
you could always go out and get several hundred passport photos. Next
time he's out, stick your face onto every nude woman in the collection.
He'll either run off screaming or shag you senseless. Either way, your
problem is solved.
Dear Grandma
My husband has always had trouble finding my vagina. At first I thought
he was just of Greek extraction, but then he moved onto my belly button
and, my mouth, and then I discovered there WAS such a thing as nasal sex.
Now I'm becoming worried, as he seems to be searching for my vagina in
the oddest places; the vacuum cleaner, the sponge pudding, the bath tap.
I don't think he's recovered from the light socket. What do you suppose
I'm doing wrong? - 33 -- 66 -- 44
Here's the bad news: you are a man. And it sounds like your husband is
in need of a woman. Just keep him calm and away from the doughnuts. Send
him off to a house of ill repute to get it out of his system, although
tell him to steer clear of any ferrets he may find there.
Grandma's advice appears at For
The Girls and also on her own site at Grandma Scrotum's Sex Tips
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