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Thoughts on In The Garden of ShadowsI thought that because it was terribly artistic, had won several AVN awards, and was considered to be something women would enjoy, I would love it. Damn, was I disappointed. This film is all very pretty and soft focussy, but the sex in it is boringly familiar. It's just the usual mainstream formula, presented in a nice package. So, while I was wasting two hours of my life to review this porno, I made notes. Every couple of minutes I hit pause and wrote down what I was thinking at the time. And most of the time, it wasn't complimentary, as you'll see: "Hmm, I can see the scars around her nipples." "What is it with guys who decide that cunnilingus involves pretending the tongue is a dick? Lick her CLIT you idiot!!!" "Now we go to the artistic facial… this means that we get to see the cum drip out of her mouth in gobbets in slow motion. Wow. I’m so NOT turned on by that." "Oh for gods sake get on with it…" "What do you know, she keeps her shoes on." "Hmmm, at last, a doggy style position. No, wait, it’s anal. For Christ’s sake woman, rub your clit, it’s going to bloody explode if you don’t!" "More shoe shots… Oh, just cum already…" "You know, I’m not sure that bending over for anal sex while balancing on one leg in high heels is the optimal position for pleasure." "Sigh. Dildo licking. Boring. Stupid. Not sexy." "I’m not sure that masturbating while wearing satin gloves is going to be all that successful. Looks kinda dry to me. And it's bound to stain." "Hey, she’s got real boobs! Look, they bounce the right way! Now they’re going in circles!" "His pink condom is coming off… Pink condom??" "Well, fuck it. This movie finishes, there’s no resolution, no explanations. Nothing. What a gip." I DID make one positive note about the scene with Violet Blue (no, not that one) and Talon: "Oooh, now THAT’S some good cunnilingus! Damn, he’s got a long tongue. Hey, a real orgasm and everything, bonus!" If you want to read the proper review, it's at FTG. Posted: Monday 23rd May 2005, 6:37 AM Back to the Blog
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